Why "Talking It Out" Might Actually Be Destroying Your Relationship
Understanding How "Talking It Out" Could Be Harmful
It's important to remember that open and honest communication helps with conflicts and building relationships. While this is mostly true, many couples mistakenly think that talking more is always better.
When communication skills are weak or emotional intelligence is low, too much talking can result in misunderstandings and resentment. This can create more distance between partners. It is important to see that effective communication isn’t just about how many words are used, but also about how good the exchange is. Going over the same arguments again or having endless tough conversations can be unhelpful and can drain both partners emotionally.
You're Both Passionate
Passion can bring both good and bad things to relationships. It can create strong connections and excitement. However, if it is not handled with emotional intelligence, it can result in heated arguments. When both partners care deeply about their opinions, talks can quickly change into fights of pride. In these fights, each person is more worried about being right than about truly getting what the other person feels.
In these cases, a healthy relationship needs both people to know when to take a break. Instead of fighting, it is better to take a moment to calm down or rather take healthy space. This allows both partners to think clearly and return to the conversation with a cooler mind.
It’s important to disagree with respect and empathy. Focus on making emotional safety a priority. Create a space where both people feel seen, heard, and understood, even when they do not agree.
Related: How To Communicate Your Needs
How to Improve Your Communication
For some people, the need to talk a lot comes from past trauma or issues with feeling safe in relationships. If you often start conversations or feel worried when things get quiet, this might show that you are reacting to past wounds.
This urge for constant comfort is normal but can be too much for your partner. It may also hurt good communication. Remember that silence and space are okay! It’s important to work on the reasons behind your worries. You can do this through therapy or by thinking about your feelings. This will help you talk better in your relationship.
Get help to heal and build trust in yourself. This will make your connection with your partner stronger and more fulfilling.
Stop Talking in Circles
You know that feeling when you've talked for a long time, but things just don't seem to go anywhere? This often shows that there are communication problems. Instead of solving issues or understanding each other better, you end up stuck in a loop. You repeat the same points and bring up past arguments again.
To have effective communication skills, you need to:
See when the discussion is not working.
Change the focus to finding a solution or agreeing to disagree calmly.
Know when to take a break in the conversation.
If you feel trapped in this cycle, it's time to step back and think about how you communicate. The main goal should be to connect, understand, and work together. It’s not about winning arguments or proving a point.
Related: Five Steps To Save Your Relationship
Ask Better Clarifying Questions
Often, miscommunications happen because of assumptions and different interpretations, not because of the actual words said. This is why active listening is very important for better communication. Instead of just waiting to talk, really try to hear and understand your partner's way of thinking.
It's also important to ask clarifying questions when you listen actively. When your partner says something, don't rush to reply. Instead, think about what you heard, and ask if you got it right.
Doing this helps both of you stay on the same page. It shows that you care and want to understand their side. This creates a space for good communication and mutual respect.
Read The Room
Effective communication involves more than just speaking. It's important to notice your partner's body language, facial expressions, and eye contact. These cues can tell you a lot about how they feel and may show their emotions even more than their words do.
For instance, if your partner has crossed arms, they might be feeling defensive. If they avoid eye contact, it could mean they are uncomfortable or not engaged. By learning to recognize these signals, you can change how you talk to fit the situation. If your partner seems overwhelmed or closed off, it might help to give them some space or show empathy for what they are feeling.
When you master picking up on these non-verbal cues, you build a stronger connection and better understand your partner. This leads to more fulfilling and successful communication.
Related: Five Ingredients Of A Successful Marriage
Identifying When Talking Becomes Detrimental
Signs of a healthy relationship include feeling safe, respected, and understood. If communication often leads to fights, hurt feelings, or you feel tired, you need to see these red flags.
Talking too much can hide bigger problems. It’s important to tell the difference between helpful conversations and those that go nowhere. If you see a pattern of negativity or notice that talking makes issues worse, think about other ways to reconnect and build intimacy.
Recognizing the Signs of Over-Communication
Over-communication happens when you feel like you must analyze every disagreement, repeat past issues, or explain yourself too much. You may get stuck in endless talks that drain both you and your partner emotionally. Signs to watch for include feeling nervous during quiet times, needing constant praise, or using chat as a way to avoid closeness.
In contrast, healthy communication is about quality instead of quantity. It aims to build a safe space for open talks, active listening, and mutual respect. It isn’t just about talking a lot. It’s about choosing your words carefully to share your feelings and needs.
Knowing the difference between over-communication and healthy communication is very important. It helps you create a rewarding and long-lasting relationship. By focusing on meaningful exchanges and building emotional intimacy, you can escape the trap of too much talking and create a stronger bond with your partner.
Related: How To Communicate In Relationships
How to Tell If Conversations Are Going in Circles
Navigating tough talks is part of any relationship. It's important to know when these talks become unhelpful. You may find that you keep having the same arguments. If this is happening, you might not be able to solve the issue or truly understand each other. Your attempts at communication, even if good, could lead to more frustration and stress.
In a healthy relationship, it is not about winning fights or making a point. It is about growing closer, understanding each other, and finding ways to move forward as a team. If you see a pattern of going in circles in your talks, it may be time to change how you handle things.
Instead of pushing to solve the issue right away, try taking a break. Use this time to think about your own needs and feelings. When you come back to the talk, try to share your emotions openly and listen carefully to what your partner has to say. Here's the frame I give individuals I work with"Hey I can tell we're both passionate right now. Let's come back to this in X amount of time (30 minutes) when we both feel comfortable"
You MUST follow through and revisit and close the open loop, no more sweeping things under the rug.
Taking Healthy Space
Even though romantic comedies show otherwise, always being together isn't needed for a healthy relationship. In fact, it's important to respect each other's need for individual interests and time apart. This can make your bond stronger.
When you and your partner support each other to enjoy hobbies, make friends, and take some “me time,” you build a better relationship. This way, both people feel happy and valued. Having some space helps you grow and makes you appreciate your time together more. Remember, distance can make love stronger!
Stop Retreating & Running Away
A common mistake is thinking that taking space means you are running from your problems. In fact, emotional intelligence is about knowing when to step back from heated moments. This can help you avoid saying things you might regret later. Sometimes, the best thing to do is take a break to understand your feelings, clear your mind, and come back ready to discuss things calmly.
Good communication needs a positive attitude and teamwork. Instead of seeing taking space as avoiding issues, think of it as a smart way for both partners to manage their emotions and come back to talk more effectively.
It's important to remember that it’s not about hiding problems away. It's about finding the right time and way to tackle them. When both partners feel listened to and respected, solving problems becomes easier.
Be Clear & Use Brevity
Effective communication is all about being clear and concise. When you share your needs or worries, try to be direct. Avoid using too many words. This can confuse things and make it hard for your partner to understand your message.
Being brief doesn’t mean hiding your feelings. It means choosing the right words to make your point strong. Think of it as simplifying your thoughts. This way, your partner will understand your view clearly without getting lost in extra details.
Keep in mind that communication is a two-way street. Just as you focus on being clear, make sure to practice active listening. This helps you truly understand where your partner is coming from.
Have Follow Through
Have you ever talked with your partner and both of you decided on something, but then nothing changed? It can be very disappointing when things don't happen as planned. Following through is very important for trust and responsibility in a relationship.
Active listening is more than just hearing what someone says. It means really understanding and responding in a way that shows you get it. If you both agree to change something, try hard to make those changes happen. Even doing little things can show that you care about the growth of your relationship.
When both people listen carefully, follow through, and keep each other responsible, it helps build trust and encouragement. This not only makes your bond stronger but also helps create a space where both partners feel recognized, valued, and respected.
Related: Why Communication In Relationships Is Important
Rebuilding After Realizing "Talking It Out" Has Been Damaging
Recognizing that the way you talk has caused problems can be tough. However, it is the first step to rebuilding trust and making things better between you. Emotional intelligence is very important in this. It helps you handle the situation with compassion and understanding instead of blame.
Work on effective communication by really listening to each other’s concerns. Make sure to validate each other's feelings and try to understand why past talks didn’t work. Keep in mind that rebuilding takes time and effort. Be patient with yourselves. Also, don’t be afraid to get professional help if needed to guide you on this path to healing and reconnecting.
Book a FREE 40min Marriage Breakthrough Session — during the 40 minutes we will get to the root of what’s happening and you’ll leave with a step-by-step plan to start implementing immediately.
When to Get Help
Most clients come to us when they’ve worked in traditional therapy and couples counseling, although we are trained mental health professionals our process uses conflict resolution with healthy framing and boundaries. Allowing you both to feel heard and understood with compassion instead of arguments and dismissal. Couples therapy can be a great way to address communication problems that might be holding your relationship back. A therapist can help identify unhelpful communication patterns, develop new coping techniques, and practice talking to one another in more effective ways. They can also address any underlying resentments or other mental health issues that might be having a detrimental impact on your relationship.
Book a FREE 40min Marriage Breakthrough Session — during the 40 minutes we will get to the root of what’s happening and you’ll leave with a step-by-step plan to start implementing immediately.\
Frequently Asked Questions
What are the signs of good communication in relationships?
Good communication in relationships involves active listening, openness, honesty, empathy, and respect. Signs of good communication include feeling heard and understood, resolving conflicts peacefully, sharing feelings without fear of judgment, and being able to express needs and boundaries openly.
What are the signs that "talking it out" is not working?
Signs that things might be wrong are increased miscommunications and misunderstandings. You may feel unheard. Other clues are constant arguing, being defensive, showing contempt, and feeling tired after talking. These are red flags.
Do you have any resources?
Yes, we have a communication masterclass which is the perfect starting point. A communication workshop gives couples a safe space to learn how to build positive relationships. In this setting, they can develop skills like active listening, resolving conflicts, and managing their emotions. The focus is on mutual respect and teamwork.
